I talk with my child. About abuse.

Dear mother, father, grandfather or adult who cares for a child,

One day, my daughter, Ana, came home from school looking distraught. Although I insisted, she didn’t want to tell me what was on her mind. Eventually, I found out from her friend that an older boy from our neighborhood had put his hand on her bottom as he was walking past them on the street. I started a discussion in which she asked me how she should react when she, or other children, are faced with “strange” situations. I realized then that as much as I would like as a parent to keep her away from all the ugly things around us, it is impossible for me. I decided to protect her by showing her that she can tell me anything without me getting upset. She asked me many questions that surprised or caught me off guard, but I understood that it was my responsibility to explain. Only in this way the bad events and the unknown lose their power. Talking with her, I understood that abuse can be a bad spell, to which we found the solution, together.

As you already know, as they grow, children go through different stages of development both physically and mentally, and their curiosity about body changes is increasing. Studies show that talking openly with children about bodies, sex, pregnancy not only satisfies their curiosity, but also teaches them respect for their own bodies and gives them the strength to speak up when someone is behaving inappropriately towards them. For many parents, starting the dialogue on the above topics can be challenging. The following questions often arise: How much information to give and at what age? How do you teach children what to do if someone puts them in an uncomfortable situation without scaring them or making them anxious around other people?

So that you don’t feel overwhelmed, this guide (Romanian version) comes with a number of suggestions, as well as references to useful materials, to help you talk to your child in a positive way. The guide is addressed to both mothers and fathers, parents of girls and boys. I proposed to myself to offer this material to the parents of the boy in the neighbors, so that all children will be safer: not to abuse and not to be abused.

Andreea, Ana’s mother: In Romania, in 2010, the National Authority for the Protection of Children’s Rights and Adoption registered a number of 11,200 cases of violence against children. In 2015 over 13,500 cases, in 2016 over 14,300 cases, in 2017 over 15,300 cases and in the first half of 2018 over 7,800 cases. Although the data illustrate an increase, it is known that only a small part of the total number of abusive behaviors against children is reported. Statistics show that over 90% of abuses happen in the family or in the child’s circle of trust.

Beyond the statistics, we also know the problem from the stories that are entrusted to us in the “blue” room – the psychological counseling center of our association – among tears of frustration and helplessness. Many parents have signaled to us the need to learn how to protect their children from sexual abuse and how to talk to them about these taboo topics. Precisely because it is surrounded by silence, at home and at school, there are a number of myths about this topic, spread in the community, in which it is dangerous to believe.

Myth 1. “It can’t happen to my child”

The danger is much closer to us than we think. The figures show that only 10% of those who commit acts of sexual abuse are strangers, 23% are other children, and 67% of sexual abuse is committed by someone who has access to the child and whom the child knows. Abuse happens in seemingly safe places. In most cases of abuse, children are under the age of 5.

Myth 2. “It’s better to stay away from this topic”

Being a sensitive subject, parents avoid talking to their children about what it means to keep their own body safe. Out of embarrassment, they fail to provide them with early sex education. Others always say “it’s too early”. It is important to think about the consequences, the costs that children will have to pay due to the lack of parental education.

It is desirable that parents and teachers provide children with correct information, which could help them not to become victims of sexual abuse. An old proverb says that “it takes a village to raise a child” – a community of responsible, caring and empathetic people! . To help you find the right words more easily, but also the answers to the most difficult questions, we have created the guide I talk to my child. About abuse. It can be downloaded in Romanian by clicking here.

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The project I talk to my child about abuse is financed by the funds raised by runners and supporters through the Sibiu International Marathon 2018. The Sibiu International Marathon (MIS) is a sporting event to raise funds of the Sibiu community, organized by the Sibiu Community Foundation.

The proposal to create this guide came from the beneficiaries of A.L.E.G. and many parents who suggested its usefulness.

Codruța Răbagel and Cristina Radu, through Incubator107 Sibiu, donated their birthday, inviting their friends and acquaintances to a party without gifts. The money raised from donations to this anniversary fund was directed towards the production of the guide I talk to my child about abuse.

How does an abused child feel? To learn more, we recommend this article documented by DoR: https://www.dor.ro/mi-s-a-intamplat-ceva-rau-dar-mi-e-prieten/